i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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