3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize