i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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