The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
