the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
pray to the hookup gods
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
