mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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