My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
