swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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