i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
