Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
