Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
