I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
