I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
