Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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