yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
