3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
