Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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