Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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