I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
