I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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