Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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