2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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