just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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