You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
She told me I should be a condom model.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
