it was like his penis was on wheels.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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