i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
