he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
