I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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