Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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