she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
