She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
