You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
