Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
