so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
