Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
