I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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