He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
