Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
