hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
