My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
