This is not my ceiling
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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