Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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