True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
