I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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