"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
