The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
