You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
