Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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