I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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