I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
and she was petting her beer can
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
