Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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