the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
