you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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