you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
